I've mentioned before that I want a husband and kids and I am ready ready ready!! I am tired of being alone. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being alone most of the time..I like my own company. And I absolutely LOVE having the bed all to myself! But I want to get married so badly!
I read a lot of blogs about families, babies, etc...I really got into one in particular that I came across randomly. It's about a married couple and I have read every single archive! I fell in love with them, their "perfect" life being married and so happy they found each other.
But lately I have been jealous of them...Especially of her. I want her husband to be my husband. I want their life. I want a man to love me and care for me the way she is cared for and loved. Now all of these stupid negative thoughts are flooding my mind and my heart...Why does she get the good man?? Why is she so special and I'm not? Why can't I have what they have..Am I not deserving of that kind of happiness?? It's just not fucking fair....
And then I deleted the blog from my Favorites, thinking that I never want to read that shit again because it makes me so damn mad that I can't have what I want and other people do. What is wrong with me?? Why am I getting so angry at this woman I don't even know just because she's happy and I want what makes her happy?
Today I found the blog again and checked to see if she had updated, even though I told myself I wouldn't...
The hurt and jealousy came rushing back.
4 comments:
hon, I think you may be looking too hard. I'm sure it's not easy, but try to relax. When it is your time, it will come, and if you force it too early, you'll wind up with the toad, not the prince!!
Well, I'm not really looking...I don't do those online dating things or anything else! I know I will meet someone when I least expect it, but I can't deny what my heart desires and that my biological clock is ticking! I will try to relax, though..Thanks for the advice! :)
Actually, I am not throwing internet dating for myself down the line. I've had a couple of friends and a nephew who have tried it with pleasant results. You have to be very careful and all that, but if you don't relish the bar scene and don't attend a church with lots of singles, where do you go? I have some other plans that will happen first, but as I said, I won't necessarily rule it out.
I like to read, so I'm going to look for reading groups at Border's or Barnes & Noble. I'm planning to take a course in conversational Spanish.
Thank goodness the batteries have died on my biological clock!! Good luck on that!!
I know how you are feeling. I am in a committed relationship, but we can't just get pregnant. You might stop by my blog to see my last post entitled "deepest desires". we have a lot in common.
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